Marshall and Sharon reading their customized wedding vows.
The deed is done!
Our family and friends gathered to witness the brief ceremony, and followed with a joyous celebration.
Under the able direction of friend, Richie Kirshen, a Notary Public, and in front of family and friends who were on hand to witness the event, at approximately 4:15 pm on Saturday, January 25th, 2003, Richie played The Wedding March on harmonica to begin the ceremony. Sharon and Marshall approached Richie from opposite sides of the pool with Mark Welsh in his role as Best Man following Marshall, and following Sharon was Peggy Chall (Sharon's sister) in her role as Bride's Maid.
When it came time for the rings to be exchanged, we all turned to Mark and I held out my hand for the rings. Mark handed Marshall the ring box. Marshall opened the ring box and both Sharon and Marshall gasped - the ring box was empty. We all turned toward Mark again.
"Oh! You mean those rings!" claimed Mark as he produced the rings from his pocket. Sharon began breathing again.
Richie then asked if either of us had anything to say, and we did. Following are the vows that I read to Sharon:
When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes-his heart races, his head spins-and suddenly all the dozens and dozens of women he's been sleeping with no longer matter.
Many years ago, I found the woman I love, and since Sharon and I have been together, we've had some very happy times. But whenever adversity has visited me (it was while reading this sentence that I had to pause to keep from crying publicly), Sharon has always given me help, confidence, sage advice, and comforting love. So it is, after 14 years, that we gather with our family and friends so I can make this solemn promise:
Sharon, I, Marshall, take you to be my wedded wife,
To have and to hold you from this day forward,
For better, for worse, in sickness or in health, in poverty or in wealth,
To love and to cherish you
And I pledge to be as good and faithful a friend to you as your husband
as you have been to me as my concubine these past several years (crowd chuckles).
I love you, and I don't want to lose half my stuff (crowd laughs).
In turn, Sharon, I would ask that you could also make a promise to me:
To lift me when I am sad
To comfort me when I am drunk (crowd laughs)
To clean me when I am drunk (crowd laughs)
To walk beside me when I want to look like I'm not gay (crowd roars)
To walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak (crowd laughs; Sharon swats me)
To kiss me when I'm horny (crowd laughs)
To massage me when I am tense and/or horny, and then watch me fall asleep (crowd laughs)
To clean my fish when I'm too tired from staying out in the boat all day (crowd laughs)
To try milk for me when I am not sure of the expiration date (crowd roars)
And to yell real loud when I'm about to do something stupid while driving (crowd roars)
For ever and ever. (crowd sighs with big "awww!")
Richie then asked Sharon to speak her piece, and this is what Sharon read:
A good marriage is a union of two forgivers. I promise to forgive you, if you're really sorry.
I promise to let you know if you have spinach hanging from your mustache.
I promise to always keep good scotch in the house - and not drink it.
You will never grow old to me. Through the wrinkles of time, through the winters of our life, you will always be the springtime in my heart.
For love, travel, happiness, and medical insurance, I will always be with you.
(Sharon reached into her purse and pulled out her Kamakaze ski headband and placed it on her head.) And I will always be your Super Wench!
You may now kiss the Bride.
Richie ended the ceremony by singing and playing a brief original blues tune on his harmonica.
Richie then pronounced us husband and wife, allowed me to kiss the Bride, after which I turned to the crowd and said, "Let the wine flow!"
The reception followed immediately.
